"Hierarchy of Needs"
-Abraham Maslow-
"The overall goal is self-actualization, which is a process of growing and developing as a person to achieve individual potential."
This is a very raw process. It stings some days, it hurts other days and some days I feel numb. It's a lonely process at times. Other times it's just okay. I've been told from a wise one that even though a long journey, this process is worth it. And we have to remember that You are worth it! This process changes the "heart" work. The very operating system in which our mind and body operates. It changed deep in the soul. It will change the thoughts and actions as we understand our esteem, worth and potential. It will be new, different. Those around you are not apart of the journey and process as it is one I must take alone. This journey is about me and healing from 33 years of life. A life of many different 'dynamics' such as; abuse, lies, abandonment, deprivation from love, sense of belonging, having a safe place or refuge, etc. Learning to feel, to express feelings, understanding what is healthy and not healthy for me and being willing to protect my new skin.
A book has been close to my mind, "Hope for the flowers"... a story of a caterpillar who is trying to figure out life, the path to walk, discovering friendships and love. Some parts of that book speaks loudly right now. The caterpillar discovers that very process of change and "what is healthy". It chooses to make a cocoon and allows that process of growth and change to take place. The world around it continues but that change that is happening happens inside. There may be many on the outside that don't understand it, some friendships that may change a little because of this change. But it's okay. It's a process for this caterpillar that needs to happen to become the butterfly. A big beautiful butterfly!
So it is with my new journey. I am stuck in this caterpillar stage starting to wrap myself with the webbing that make my cocoon. It's scary. It's lonely. But I know it is needed. I'm learning the last few weeks the things I didn't get as a child and makes me feel angry at times. As those very things have affected situation's throughout my life.
Shame on my parents who didn't step up to teach me as a young child how to express my feelings, or even to allow me to feel feelings. I was told by a wise one feeling feelings is like trying on a new pair of jeans for the first time. You have to try them on to see what fits. Same with feelings. I was asked how a situation made me feel and a normal response of 'I don't know'. I don't know because I have never allowed myself to feel. The early stages of my process I am discovering what it's like to feel sad, angry, ashamed, okay, etc. Also learning that those feelings are all normal. That for a moment I can feel angry and that those feelings to not make me an angry person.
I also shake my head to those who could have played as a parent role and didn't really embrace that experience. I shake my head to those who gave up and walked away. I am learning that is such an easy road out. I'm learning that you can't place blame on someone who didn't know or who wasn't taught the basic needs as a child. So don't you point your finger at me. Because really I didn't know. I didn't know how to tell many of you the things I was feeling or things of my heart. But also instead of sharing or adding some assistance many of you walked away! It's easier, I understand. I have survived and for 33 years of my life have found a way, maybe not the best way, but a way to survive. I am still standing. And now... I recognize I must start from the beginning and learn this hierarchy of needs. The need to grow as a person. Learn the things I should already know.
So here I must start at the bottom, and once those needs have been addressed, I can become self-aware, concerned with personal growth, less concerned with the opinions of others and put real energy in fulfilling our potential. At this very second and for this moment... I feel worth it!
A process of patience. A process of understand. A process of many feelings and emotions that will be new to feel and experience. In the end it will be what adds the color to my butterfly wings. Flying is a learned process. A confident process and I am far from there. So please excuse me for now as I am starting the beginning stages of spinning my own cocoon. Who knows maybe just maybe some may choose to be there when it's time to come out of my cocoon. This is my journey and process! I'm doing this for me because I am worth it!
